The P in my life.

The P in my life.

Isn’t it surprising that after four years or more the pain is still there and still crushing you? They say, just forgive and forget then move on. Easy to say but no matter how hard you try to forgive, forget and move on there is always a time that you can still remember the pain it caused you. You get emotional everytime and the funny thing there is no one will ever understand why you still bear that pain. People will say, “If you already forgave the person, why does it still affects you?”. Well, maybe because I can’t still understand up until now why it happened when all I do is to give what people want? It caused me so much pain that I even doubted myself. I lost my trust to myself and to people around me. So everytime I get to cross this certain person, all I can think is the pain they caused me. No good memories, just heartache. Everytime I look back I ask myself, “How can they possibly hurt someone this bad? Why they can afford to cause so much pain to a person that did nothing wrong to them? Why me?”. Sounds dramatic but damn, it lingers into my mind almost half a decade now. You see this what happpens to a person that have been hurt so bad most especially when they have high hopes to people. You might see them genuinely happy but deep inside there is always a mending heart. The pain never fades away, really. It’s not grudge, it’s just simply pain out of love. You know what’s the good thing about this? Is that you can always brave this pain.

This pain will motivate you to be a better person than those who hurt you.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice on how you will handle the pain. But just a reminder, always choose to be better and to do good.

Love,

Ai

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An Open Letter To My “Unfriended” Friend

An Open Letter To My “Unfriended” Friend

March 20, 2016

It’s been years since I voluntarily cut my communications with you. It’s been years since we haven’t settled anything between us. It’s been years since I haven’t heard from you and you the same with me. I can’t even remember how you look like and how your voice sounds like. It’s weird because we’ve been best friends longer than being strangers to each other. Sometimes, you cross my mind and the memories we’ve shared. It reminds me how naive we were and how carefree we were. The mishaps we had and how we barely survived those. We shared our dreams and goals in life. We even imagined what our futures would look like and to whom we are going to share it with. We had our wildest dreams ever. Yes, I can still recall all of it. How we passionately talked about everything under the sun and how inseparable we were. Yes, we were inseparable before.

If our common friends would ask me if I miss the moments we used to share, I would say yes. Yes because everything that we’ve been through made me the person who I am today. I am not gonna deny it. I will never regret the day we’ve been friends and the days we shared together. Those memories are treasurable. The shenanigans, the adventures, the mishaps, and the emotional break downs we shared are all worth keeping. It seems that you are fine right now, though. I can see that you are happy wherever you are, whatever you have, and whoever you are with. I’m glad that you have finally having the life that you always wanted.

I’ve been unfair, I know. I am sorry for staying away from you without trying to look back on the things we’ve been through. Cutting you off without any explanation from me was quiet hard and I apologize for that. I drew myself away from you and killed my love for you. I decided to get rid of you impulsively. I am sorry for not trying to fix the mess between us and for not talking to you. I thought talking to you would makes it harder for me to cut you off and just forget the pain that you caused me. I was wrong not giving you a chance to explain your side. I was mad and hurt that time. I am sorry if I hurt you so bad and to the people who loved us both. I know it was hard for them, too.

I just want you to know that I chose to cut you off because our friendship was not healthy anymore. Just like in any relationship, it needs to stop since it is not helping me to grow as a person anymore. When you chose to spend your every night with your new found friends, I thought you have forgotten about us but I remained loyal to our friendship. I tried to understand you that you want to explore the company of other people but you tend to forgot about me and overlooked the dinner dates that we have set for our catch ups. It broke my heart but I silently remained to be your friend not until you crossed the border line. You were not the friend I met six years ago.

You can say I am the one who cut you off that easily but believe me, it was harder for me to accept. It was hard because I thought you were the friend that won’t hurt me at any cost. I thought you were the friend that would respect me and my beliefs. I thought that even we seldom talk because of our busy schedules you would always remember to say “Hi”. I thought despite the strong influence of the society today, you would always remember how sensitive I am as a person just the way I would always remember you. That it would be courteous enough if you will ask me things you don’t understand. Of course, you still do have your freedom to say and do whatever you want. But, I just thought you will be considerate enough not to hurt my feelings. I thought our friendship is bounded by respect and love for each other and not by the standard of the society. I thought the friendship we built was unbreakable.

But to be honest, I am fine with your absence. I continued my life without you and I am still fulfilling the dreams I told you. I thought you were necessary in my life but when you stepped out from it, everything seems better. It felt good that I am no longer wondering if you really need someone like me in your life. I have always thought you might need me but I realized you just need me if you ask for it. Locking my doors to you gave me a deeper meaning of true friendship and it’s not the friendship I had with you.

All I hope is that you’re doing okay right now. That someday, you will be able to reach your dreams and goals in life too. And that someday, you might be able to find that genuine friendship and have those permanent people in your life.

Love,

Your ex-friend.

To cheat or to lie?

To cheat or to lie?

Simple Definition of Cheat

  • : to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something

  • : to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule

  • : to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get

Definition of Lie

noun \ˈlī\
  1. 1a  :  an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker to be untrue with intent to deceiveb  :  an untrue or inaccurate statement that may or may not be believed true by the speaker

  2. 2:  something that misleads or deceives

I’ve been wanting to know the difference between “cheating” and “lying” because most of the time I would hear this the same lame excuse, “I lied but I didn’t cheat”. Technically, cheating is a kind of lying wherein it is for the benefit of one’s own sake at the expense of the other person. It is risking the trust of the people who trusted you the most. Basically, lying is simply not telling the truth while cheating is making the lie the truth for their own good and benefit. You lied because you want to getaway from the consequences of cheating and wanting not to get caught. Who would want to get caught, anyway? You break the rule of being open and honest to the person who have trust in you just because of your own desire. Cheating is something you do against someone else’s back in the context of lying. You wouldn’t be lying if you were not asked, right? But you know you cheated because you did something that is against to the other person. To make it simple, cheating is plainly being selfish and self-centered.

It’s pretty damn hard to accept that you have been cheated and yet you’re still there hanging around. Holding on hoping that one day, you’ll forget whatever happened. But it kept happening and happening until you notice that person is longer the person once you thought they were. Sometimes, “sorry” won’t heal everything in just a snap. Promises are sometimes like pain relievers temporarily making the person feel secured once again but after sometimes the same mistake happens again. The pain it caused can’t be healed overnight, though. It takes a lot of process, from the first few days of purely crying and asking “why” over and over up until the last day wherein you are able to trust people again with all your heart. You must be familiar with the pain but you’re still crying over the same old shit. You still can’t believe that they cheated on you after so many times you caught them. You’re willing to take the “moving on” process all over again because you have this super soft spot in your heart. The question is: why are you still here? Do you still believe that this will work once more and they’ll change from being cheater to being honest? Well, maybe there is a chance. But chances are limited. Chances are not given multiple times. Asking for chances is as hard as asking for a time machine it cannot be given in just a snap (remember: up to this day, there is no time machine). Now, you should remember that. You have to count the chances you are giving away. Don’t make it unlimited and overflowing otherwise you might be giving them the chance to take you for granted which is worse. Okay? You go, girl!

Paracetamol

Paracetamol

“Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you” – Honesty, Billy Joe

Is it enough to love the person all over again hoping that eventually you will learn to let go all the pain they caused you? Hoping that they will prove to you that they are still worth your trust. Is love enough to fill up all the empty spaces that broken trust left? Is it? You come to a point that trust is simply just a word because you have lost the real essence of it and love has become an obligation to do. You are left with nothing but the pain that broken promises and betrayals have caused you. How can you move on when you are still stuck in the reality that trust is no longer there? How will you explain to everyone that love is not enough to ease all the pain?

Love won’t exist without its own elements. It is made up of different aspects such as trust, honesty, openness, perseverance, and respect. If any of these is lacking, love can’t work alone. You can’t say you love the person if you keep on losing their trust because of your own desire, because of your selfishness. How can you say you love them if you let them believe all the stories you made up just to cover up your lies? Is it love when you keep on doing the same exact mistake because you know that “sorry” will put everything back to normal again? Is that really the concept of love? I guess not. Maybe you can say you love them but you have to prove it. You have to show it. You have to make them feel it. You have to earn it. Because love alone is not enough.

Now, if you’ve been through a lot of pain because of all these dip shits, make time for yourself. Contemplate things. Rehabilitate yourself from all the lies, the betrayals, and even from the people who hurt you. It’s time to think of yourself first and love everything about you. There’s nothing wrong with that. As one of my friends told me, “Know your worth, Aira” and then I realise, fuck it! I am worth it. You are worth it. You are the best thing that anybody could have. And if that person really loves you, they will find ways to win you back. They will not just sit there and regret everything. If that’s true love, they’ll change even it means they need to start back to zero again. They will try harder to prove that they are worth having again. I think, that’s the concept of love. You gotta learn it.

 

Be better or bitter. 

Be better or bitter. 

You know you’re not angry but frustrated on the things you thought it would be. On the things you expected it should be but only ended up disappointing you. We are created as human and pain is inevitable to us. You know you’re living when you can feel the pain. You know you’re living when the pain is kicking the real shit out of you. You know you’re living when the pangs is creeping up on you. But after all, everything will fade away sooner than you know so it is totally okay to embrace the pain you are enduring right now. You’re in pain because you are hurt. You are hurt because you know you have loved and it is really painful to be hurt by someone you have loved. You are hurt because you cared and you thought they cared too but they really don’t.

Maybe, your reason might be shallow for some but who cares, right? You’re already hurt anyway. All you have to do is to release the pain so you can move on and continue living. But sometimes, you’re too coward to express the pain in you because you know that you are NOT in the right place to be hurt. The most painful part of it is that you know you don’t have the right to feel that way because you’re not part of them and you know that they can go on with or without you. You would end up thinking that your pain is just a worthless drama just like the way Kim Kardashan cried over her lost diamond earing. It’s sad I know. But think differently and don’t be afraid to express the pain if it’ll make you feel better. Let it out but in control. Don’t let that pain supercede the love you have for them and use to understand the situation.

As the golden rules says, “Do unto others what you want others do unto you.”

The Line To Your Dreams

The Line To Your Dreams

I went out early from the office after two weeks of going home late. It was raining hard and I am expecting a heavy traffic too. Not just heavy traffic but also a long line of people waiting for a carpool ride home. And I was not wrong. From afar, I can already see people lining up and it was hella long! I have nowhere to go but to push thru. There’s no way going back to our office and wait for the line to subside since I was almost in the line.
Thank God I pushed thru because the people lining up was non-stop and they kept on adding even more. It was horrific if I’ll describe it. I can’t even see the first five people infront. It seems like we’re waiting for a mall to open because it’s on sale or even worse. Along with me were also employees trying to go home too despite the heavy rain that kept on falling. It looks like there is no hope of going home early because the line is not moving fast.

Half an hour has gone and I was still in the line and the line behind me was growing even more. I haven’t move that far from where I started to line up. But, still I was progressing. What’s even worse was the person ahead me was letting his friends cut the line. I was suppose to lose my patience but then all I thought was going home. I don’t have enough energy to deal with these people anymore. I let them.

I kept myself busy, until I notice that I was almost half way making it to the first in line. I already spent an hour waiting in line. But looking back, I realized I have gone far from where I started. Then, the line progress went fast until I have reached the front line. It means that I’m next on having my ride home. Finally!

This everyday scenario I am experiencing everyday as I go to work has the same reflection we have when we’re trying to reach our goals.

At first it’ll be hard as hell. You are at the verge of giving up. But don’t. Because it will be worthwhile.

 The long line of people will serve as your path reaching your goals, your dreams or whatever you call it. It will take time to finally make it to your destination. You might even be too far away from it. There’ll be no definite time on when you will reach your goal. You will always have that baby steps before reaching the peak. There will be some long pauses which you will thought that’s the end of everything. But it is not. If you give up easily, you won’t reach your destination. Don’t mind how long it might take but instead focus on what’s ahead and definitely you will go beyond.

The guys before me are the obstacles and hindrances that will push you to your limits. They’re going to distract you from your goals and will lure you away from it. You don’t need to listen to these negative vibes when you have goals to reach. They will tell you can’t do it. They will make you believe that it’s over. You’re not worth it of your dreams. If you let yourself stumble upon these, then you will really lose.

 Keep your head in the game. Focus on what is important. Let them throw rocks at you but always stand firm. Be bulletproof if needed.

Endings of your hardwork are always be beautiful. Your perseverance won’t disappoint you. Your sacrifices will give you the best pay off ever in your life. So keep moving forward. Never stop reaching your goals. Be the last man standing in this world full of challenges. You’ll reach the finish line before you know it.

It’s me,

Aira ❤️


To Millennials Like Me,

To Millennials Like Me,

We, millennials, always rush things. When we were in school, we wanted to graduate soon so we can earn money from our own sweat and blood. And if we started to work, we will find ourselves stuck on a crossroad and terrified what will tomorrow brings. We can’t wait to have our own “Bae” and assume that they’re the one and you can’t imagine life without them. And if we have found the right one, you can’t wait to walk down the aisle to tie the knot. Everything is fast phased and we tend to worry too much that we might get left behind. Well, that’s the main problem of millennials.We always wanted to get what we want on just a snap and we know that it’s rarely impossible unless we were born rich. But it’s not always like that.

Remember, before getting things that we really want, we must first work hard for it. Whether it’s a career or material things. There is no short cut for that but it’s totally worth it.

Don’t overthink and learn to take things slowly but first always make sure you know your destination. Be patient on things because everything has its own right timing. Tolerate the hardest situation because it will make you stronger. Stand for it and without you noticing it you already conquered the one you thought you can’t. If you still don’t know what you are going thru, it’s totally fine. Keep on moving and along the way, you will able to find out where you really belong. You have your own spot light and all you have to do is wait for it while you grind. If you hate your job, learn to love it. And if you still can’t, leave. Look for another one that might help you to find your passion.

Don’t mind those who are ahead of you. They also went into all the confusions and frustrations you are going through right now. We have different paths to take and it’s not all the same, you have to remember that. Set your own goals and do not limit yourself. Go further and seek more knowledge. Look at them as your inspiration in life as you are aspiring your own personal goals. Learnings never stop at school, it goes on and on. It might take long to reach the peak of your career, but as I said earlier it will always be worth it.

Fall in love as many times as you wish and enjoy the blissfulness it brings. Feel the pain of having a broken heart, it only shows that you’ve been in love and you took a risk. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said in his poem, Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.”

Take it slow and try to observe your surroundings. Spend more time with your family. Have quality time with your friends. Devote yourself serving the Lord. Take it easy and you’ll thank yourself in the future for not pushing your own self too much. And that’s how you will enjoy life.

It’s me,

Aira