To My Childhood Bestfriend

To My Childhood Bestfriend

The most first vivid memory I had with you was when we used to play as an office clerk of a laundry shop or gown rental shop. My screen name was Jenny Lopez and yours was Alex (I don’t know what your last name). Mama was so supportive that she even made us a personalized stamp, so we don’t have to write our name all over again in our “receipt”. We had our invisible customers and invisible items. It was hard to think and invent names of our customers. We used to play that at our attic where the ocean was our view. We would peep through the small window and how we would always hope that Papa’s ship will pass by just to say hello to us. Our attic was so memorable to us. In fact, it was our playroom, our hideaway. If there is a storm, we would come right up to our attic to see the big waves of the ocean and we would pray together for Papa to be safe. When the light blackouts, we would stay at our attic and hear Mama’s scary stories with only the light of the candle with us. Oh, how I love our attic so much.

Of course, just like any normal sisters, we fight. A lot. I remember blaming you about my torn paper dolls. I don’t really know why I blamed you but I was hurting you with an umbrella and our nanny was stopping me. You were just there crying. I was so mean, I know. Every time we fight, Mama would let us choose who will step out from our house and it was you who always volunteer.

After being the youngest child for eleven years, our little sister came. My world turned upside down. You were at your teenage years. Always with friends having fun. You were at your exploration and experimentation that time. I cannot blame you on that. So I became the big sister/mom to our little sister. I took care of her while Mama’s not around. Changed her diapers, fed her, put her to sleep, bathed her, played with her.  There was a time when I thought, “Maybe, if I am still the youngest daughter I can have all things I want instead of buying milk and diapers for you. And maybe, I am free to play with my cousins and classmates after school instead of looking after you.”

Our life will be boring without our youngest sibling. We have no one to play with because we are old enough. But because we have to play with her we must enjoy arcades, fun parks, Cartoon Networks, and Disney Channel. We even have to consider the movie we have to watch in the cinema. I also remember she was used to be our model whenever we want to practice our make-up and fashion skills. She was our Barbie Doll. She’s a blessing, indeed. Without her, no one will meddle between us if we fight. If we are feeling lazy, we have no one to ask to do it for us. If we want something, no one will ask from Mama or Papa on behalf of us. She was never our nemesis. Our love for her was unconditional. We saw her grow from that innocent infant to a now very talented young lady.

Now that we are growing apart, I want you both to know that you are always in my heart. I may not always say nor show it, but I would catch a bullet for both of you. We might fight so many times for so many petty reasons but my love for you will always be the same.   I never thought that this time will come where we have to be busy and focused on our own lives. I thought we are just going to think about of each other forever. But we have to set our priorities as an individual.  Grow independently. After all we are still sisters forever. My helping hands are always ready to reach out for you even if you don’t need it.

Happy National Siblings Day!

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Time is gold.

Time is gold.

The world is moving fast. Time is running faster than before. We need to double time. We need to do what has to be done. Everyone around you is getting married, having kids, becoming a businessman, reaching their goals, traveling the world, setting up their career, and becoming the person that they want to be. We are all too busy until we realize that the time passed by with a wink of an eye. Your kids grew into teenagers that want to have all the good things in life. You lost your dogs that you used to run with when your bones can still run 10 miles. Your hair turned to white that shows your wisdom. You already lost someone you love and how you could wish you spent more time with them.

So, pick up your phone when someone you know is calling. It might be their last call to you. Open that message and reply even it makes no sense at all. Attend all the school activities of your children. They might be waiting for you. Listen to people’s explanation. You never know the reason behind their actions. Ask the question that keeps haunting you. You can never get an answer not until you take the courage to ask.

Do not take time for granted because it is not a privilege.

Cliche as it may be but time is gold. Time is the most precious gift that you can give to a person. There is nothing to regret when you spend your time with a wrong person. It has been always worth your time. One day, the time that you have valued and put an effort to will make sense.

Adios, judges!

Funny when people judge you on a situation they have never been or pain they never felt. Jumping into conclusion that makes you look the bad person as if you’re the villain and they are the oppressed. But the truth is, they are the culprit of what you have become. They can only hear you scream but never asked why. They can only see how you get mad but they never knew the story behind. What they can only see is you being so shallow on things but never knew why you came into that point. These people can only see the effect but they will never understand what you’ve been through to get into the peak of your emotions. Giving advice as if they know the whole story. Judging you like you’re the most shallow and unreasonable human being on earth. Giving unnecessary comments that will never help. These are the people you should never have in your life. Instead knowing the facts first they will abruptly judge you.

A boss once told me, “Never be sorry of your emotions”. It seems true because no one will ever understand your situation unless they are in your shoes. Cry if you want. Rant if you have to. Scream if it’ll make you feel better. Seek sympathy from those who know how to empathize. As far as you handle your emotions properly and you cause no harm to other people there is no need to apologize. Don’t worry about these kind of people and instead wish them that things like these won’t happen to them.

Love,

Aira

The P in my life.

The P in my life.

Isn’t it surprising that after four years or more the pain is still there and still crushing you? They say, just forgive and forget then move on. Easy to say but no matter how hard you try to forgive, forget and move on there is always a time that you can still remember the pain it caused you. You get emotional everytime and the funny thing there is no one will ever understand why you still bear that pain. People will say, “If you already forgave the person, why does it still affects you?”. Well, maybe because I can’t still understand up until now why it happened when all I do is to give what people want? It caused me so much pain that I even doubted myself. I lost my trust to myself and to people around me. So everytime I get to cross this certain person, all I can think is the pain they caused me. No good memories, just heartache. Everytime I look back I ask myself, “How can they possibly hurt someone this bad? Why they can afford to cause so much pain to a person that did nothing wrong to them? Why me?”. Sounds dramatic but damn, it lingers into my mind almost half a decade now. You see this what happpens to a person that have been hurt so bad most especially when they have high hopes to people. You might see them genuinely happy but deep inside there is always a mending heart. The pain never fades away, really. It’s not grudge, it’s just simply pain out of love. You know what’s the good thing about this? Is that you can always brave this pain.

This pain will motivate you to be a better person than those who hurt you.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice on how you will handle the pain. But just a reminder, always choose to be better and to do good.

Love,

Ai

Sampung Bilang. 

Sampung Bilang. 

Sampu – sampung taon ang agwat natin sa isa’t isa. Maraming beses akong nagtanong sa sarili ko kung tama ba na piliin ka. Hindi ko na inisip ang sasabihin ng iba. 
Siyam – siyam na buwan bago mo ako tinanong ng, “can u be my girl friend?” 
Walo – walong oras ka pang nagtatrabaho noon. Pero lagi kang nag-OOT para may pera tayo papunta sa pinakapaborito kong lugar. 
Pito – pitong beses sa isang Linggo tayo nagkikita. Walang mintis ang pagka-miss natin sa isa’t isa. 

Anim – anim na beses mo akong pinaniwala sa mga kasinungalingan mo. 
Lima – limang babae lang ang pinagmumulan ng away natin. 
Apat – “apat na taon na tayo nang niloko mo ako” ang sabi ni Lea sa pelikulang “Kita Kita”. 
Tatlo – Tatlong araw akong di makakain nang maayos at laging walang tulog. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng buhay na patay. 
Dalawa – Dalawang buwan bago ko nalaman ang pinakasamakit na katotohan. Shet. Huli ako sa balita. 
Isa – Isang pagkakataon pa ulit para sa ating dalawa. Kahit ang dami ko nang sinabi na, “last na talaga” gusto pa kita bigyan ng pinaka-isa pang pagkakataon dahil dun ako masaya. 

Please Don’t Feel Bad…

If sometimes I don’t want to talk to you.

There are memories in the past that keeps haunting me and I just don’t know how to handle the pain it caused me. Knowing that it was you who hurt me.

If sometimes I am so sensitive.

I have felt how to be unimportant before. I experienced the struggle of wanting the attention from the person I love. I know the feeling of being zero value.

If sometimes I ignore you.

It’s just that I don’t know how to express what I really feel. It’s hard for me to tell what I truly feel scared that you might not understand it.

If I am overthinking the situation.

I am just scared that I might disappoint myself again that’s why I am thinking the worst instead. My instincts are mostly true based on my experiences, trust me.

If I find it hard to trust again.

I may have forgiven but the pain is still there. I am still trying to understand why it happened and why I let it happened. I once blamed myself for what happened but I learned that it was never my fault but rather it was your choice. It was your choice to betray me. However, I am helping myself to trust fully again even I am afraid that you might break it again. But that won’t break me. I know how to value myself now.

All I want you to do is to help me. Help me to overcome my own insecurities and trust issues. Just don’t feel bad.