I miss you more than ever. But I have to stay away to know if you feel the same…
If sometimes I don’t want to talk to you.
There are memories in the past that keeps haunting me and I just don’t know how to handle the pain it caused me. Knowing that it was you who hurt me.
If sometimes I am so sensitive.
I have felt how to be unimportant before. I experienced the struggle of wanting the attention from the person I love. I know the feeling of being zero value.
If sometimes I ignore you.
It’s just that I don’t know how to express what I really feel. It’s hard for me to tell what I truly feel scared that you might not understand it.
If I am overthinking the situation.
I am just scared that I might disappoint myself again that’s why I am thinking the worst instead. My instincts are mostly true based on my experiences, trust me.
If I find it hard to trust again.
I may have forgiven but the pain is still there. I am still trying to understand why it happened and why I let it happened. I once blamed myself for what happened but I learned that it was never my fault but rather it was your choice. It was your choice to betray me. However, I am helping myself to trust fully again even I am afraid that you might break it again. But that won’t break me. I know how to value myself now.
All I want you to do is to help me. Help me to overcome my own insecurities and trust issues. Just don’t feel bad.
March 20, 2016
It’s been years since I voluntarily cut my communications with you. It’s been years since we haven’t settled anything between us. It’s been years since I haven’t heard from you and you the same with me. I can’t even remember how you look like and how your voice sounds like. It’s weird because we’ve been best friends longer than being strangers to each other. Sometimes, you cross my mind and the memories we’ve shared. It reminds me how naive we were and how carefree we were. The mishaps we had and how we barely survived those. We shared our dreams and goals in life. We even imagined what our futures would look like and to whom we are going to share it with. We had our wildest dreams ever. Yes, I can still recall all of it. How we passionately talked about everything under the sun and how inseparable we were. Yes, we were inseparable before.
If our common friends would ask me if I miss the moments we used to share, I would say yes. Yes because everything that we’ve been through made me the person who I am today. I am not gonna deny it. I will never regret the day we’ve been friends and the days we shared together. Those memories are treasurable. The shenanigans, the adventures, the mishaps, and the emotional break downs we shared are all worth keeping. It seems that you are fine right now, though. I can see that you are happy wherever you are, whatever you have, and whoever you are with. I’m glad that you have finally having the life that you always wanted.
I’ve been unfair, I know. I am sorry for staying away from you without trying to look back on the things we’ve been through. Cutting you off without any explanation from me was quiet hard and I apologize for that. I drew myself away from you and killed my love for you. I decided to get rid of you impulsively. I am sorry for not trying to fix the mess between us and for not talking to you. I thought talking to you would makes it harder for me to cut you off and just forget the pain that you caused me. I was wrong not giving you a chance to explain your side. I was mad and hurt that time. I am sorry if I hurt you so bad and to the people who loved us both. I know it was hard for them, too.
I just want you to know that I chose to cut you off because our friendship was not healthy anymore. Just like in any relationship, it needs to stop since it is not helping me to grow as a person anymore. When you chose to spend your every night with your new found friends, I thought you have forgotten about us but I remained loyal to our friendship. I tried to understand you that you want to explore the company of other people but you tend to forgot about me and overlooked the dinner dates that we have set for our catch ups. It broke my heart but I silently remained to be your friend not until you crossed the border line. You were not the friend I met six years ago.
You can say I am the one who cut you off that easily but believe me, it was harder for me to accept. It was hard because I thought you were the friend that won’t hurt me at any cost. I thought you were the friend that would respect me and my beliefs. I thought that even we seldom talk because of our busy schedules you would always remember to say “Hi”. I thought despite the strong influence of the society today, you would always remember how sensitive I am as a person just the way I would always remember you. That it would be courteous enough if you will ask me things you don’t understand. Of course, you still do have your freedom to say and do whatever you want. But, I just thought you will be considerate enough not to hurt my feelings. I thought our friendship is bounded by respect and love for each other and not by the standard of the society. I thought the friendship we built was unbreakable.
But to be honest, I am fine with your absence. I continued my life without you and I am still fulfilling the dreams I told you. I thought you were necessary in my life but when you stepped out from it, everything seems better. It felt good that I am no longer wondering if you really need someone like me in your life. I have always thought you might need me but I realized you just need me if you ask for it. Locking my doors to you gave me a deeper meaning of true friendship and it’s not the friendship I had with you.
All I hope is that you’re doing okay right now. That someday, you will be able to reach your dreams and goals in life too. And that someday, you might be able to find that genuine friendship and have those permanent people in your life.
Mount Pinatubo became well known because of its destructive volcanic eruption back in 1991 and was the second largest volcanic eruption in the 20th century. In fact, its massive eruption contributed to ozone depletion and worldwide decrease in temperature. Affecting 30,000 lives and billions of properties, Mt. Pinatubo was really felt. Devastating as it may be, but Mt. Pinatubo’s eruption left us stunning sights to which most of the tourists are enjoying up to this day.
Mt. Pinatubo is located in the middle of Zambales, Pampanga, and Tarlac. It is a two-hour drive from Manila to Capas, Tarlac town proper and another 30 minutes travel to Municipal Tourism Satellite Office of Sta. Juliana. Registration starts as early as 5 A.M. and cut off time is at 6 A.M. In the registration area, you have to fill up an information sheet and sign a waiver as well. This is where you have to pay for conservation and tour guide fees. Now, don’t get confused because there will be another fee that you are required to in Botolan area as you go your way to the crater since it’s a different municipal already.
You need to rent a 4×4 jeep to reach the drop-off point going to the crater and be ready for an hour bumpy ride! But worry not, because the sights along the way are stunning! Every view will capture your attention and you’ll get puzzled on where to look. It’s like you’re in a different world, seriously! While we were on our way, I kept telling to myself, “grabe, ang ganda!”.
From the drop-off point, you will start to trek for 2-3 hours depending on your pace. It’s better to start as early as 7 AM so that it’ll not be too hot to trek. There will be a lot of river crossing going to the trek but it’s not as hard as you imagine. There are some parts that are rocky road so you have to be extra careful to avoid tripping over.
After an hour of trekking, you’ll reach the Botolan station, which is the boundary of Zambales and Tarlac. This is where you have to pay different conservation fees. There is a sari-sari store available in Botolan station and you can also rest your feet before proceeding to another one-hour trek to the crater.
After a short trek from Botolan station, you’ll reach the stop over area going to Mt. Pinatubo. There are rest rooms and cottages available where you can catch your breath before proceeding. This is also the area where you can spot the famous Mt. Pinatubo’s signage.
The trail from here going to the crater itself is cooler since there are trees along the way and there will be more river crossings as well.
Ascending to the peak of Mt. Pinatubo is not that hard since there are already concrete stairs going up. You’re adrenaline rush will suddenly boost once you see the welcome sign of Mt. Pinatubo!
From that point, a breathtaking view will welcome you. When I got there, it was like I’m in a different place at all! It was a scenic view that you can’t take your eyes off once you laid on it. You’ll be amazed by what the eruption did to the place. It’ll take your worries away.
There are cottages in the area where you can have your lunch or you can do it under the shade of tree if you want. It’s free of charge, anyway. Just be mindful of your trashes and don’t litter anywhere. The tour guides bring their own plastic bags but still, you have to be responsible with your own trash. Also, don’t forget to share your packed lunch with your tour guide or whatever snacks you have.
Swimming is not allowed so don’t try to break this rule because your tour guide might get suspended if you do so. When we were there, some foreigner still broke the rule and it’s really disappointing since there is already signage saying “No Lifeguard. Swimming is not allowed”.
You can stay there long enough to recharge your energy for another 2-hour trek back to the drop-off point. You can take your photo ops or just enjoy the view since there is no cellular signal everywhere. Perfect time to spend your muni-muni time.
Pinatubo trekking fees:
3,000 – 4×4 vehicle rental (maximum of 5 passengers)
500 – local guide (group of 5 pax)
Fees charged per person:
300 – conservation/maintenance fee
700 – Botolan, Zambales Fee
Guests ages from 40 years old to 59 years old are required to present their proper identification such as passport or government issued IDs. For those who are 60 years and above, they have to present either medical certificate and health insurance or medical practitioner or travel insurance together with their identification cards.
Simple Definition of Cheat
: to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something
: to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule
: to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get
Definition of Lie
I’ve been wanting to know the difference between “cheating” and “lying” because most of the time I would hear this the same lame excuse, “I lied but I didn’t cheat”. Technically, cheating is a kind of lying wherein it is for the benefit of one’s own sake at the expense of the other person. It is risking the trust of the people who trusted you the most. Basically, lying is simply not telling the truth while cheating is making the lie the truth for their own good and benefit. You lied because you want to getaway from the consequences of cheating and wanting not to get caught. Who would want to get caught, anyway? You break the rule of being open and honest to the person who have trust in you just because of your own desire. Cheating is something you do against someone else’s back in the context of lying. You wouldn’t be lying if you were not asked, right? But you know you cheated because you did something that is against to the other person. To make it simple, cheating is plainly being selfish and self-centered.
It’s pretty damn hard to accept that you have been cheated and yet you’re still there hanging around. Holding on hoping that one day, you’ll forget whatever happened. But it kept happening and happening until you notice that person is longer the person once you thought they were. Sometimes, “sorry” won’t heal everything in just a snap. Promises are sometimes like pain relievers temporarily making the person feel secured once again but after sometimes the same mistake happens again. The pain it caused can’t be healed overnight, though. It takes a lot of process, from the first few days of purely crying and asking “why” over and over up until the last day wherein you are able to trust people again with all your heart. You must be familiar with the pain but you’re still crying over the same old shit. You still can’t believe that they cheated on you after so many times you caught them. You’re willing to take the “moving on” process all over again because you have this super soft spot in your heart. The question is: why are you still here? Do you still believe that this will work once more and they’ll change from being cheater to being honest? Well, maybe there is a chance. But chances are limited. Chances are not given multiple times. Asking for chances is as hard as asking for a time machine it cannot be given in just a snap (remember: up to this day, there is no time machine). Now, you should remember that. You have to count the chances you are giving away. Don’t make it unlimited and overflowing otherwise you might be giving them the chance to take you for granted which is worse. Okay? You go, girl!
“Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you” – Honesty, Billy Joe
Is it enough to love the person all over again hoping that eventually you will learn to let go all the pain they caused you? Hoping that they will prove to you that they are still worth your trust. Is love enough to fill up all the empty spaces that broken trust left? Is it? You come to a point that trust is simply just a word because you have lost the real essence of it and love has become an obligation to do. You are left with nothing but the pain that broken promises and betrayals have caused you. How can you move on when you are still stuck in the reality that trust is no longer there? How will you explain to everyone that love is not enough to ease all the pain?
Love won’t exist without its own elements. It is made up of different aspects such as trust, honesty, openness, perseverance, and respect. If any of these is lacking, love can’t work alone. You can’t say you love the person if you keep on losing their trust because of your own desire, because of your selfishness. How can you say you love them if you let them believe all the stories you made up just to cover up your lies? Is it love when you keep on doing the same exact mistake because you know that “sorry” will put everything back to normal again? Is that really the concept of love? I guess not. Maybe you can say you love them but you have to prove it. You have to show it. You have to make them feel it. You have to earn it. Because love alone is not enough.
Now, if you’ve been through a lot of pain because of all these dip shits, make time for yourself. Contemplate things. Rehabilitate yourself from all the lies, the betrayals, and even from the people who hurt you. It’s time to think of yourself first and love everything about you. There’s nothing wrong with that. As one of my friends told me, “Know your worth, Aira” and then I realise, fuck it! I am worth it. You are worth it. You are the best thing that anybody could have. And if that person really loves you, they will find ways to win you back. They will not just sit there and regret everything. If that’s true love, they’ll change even it means they need to start back to zero again. They will try harder to prove that they are worth having again. I think, that’s the concept of love. You gotta learn it.
You know you’re not angry but frustrated on the things you thought it would be. On the things you expected it should be but only ended up disappointing you. We are created as human and pain is inevitable to us. You know you’re living when you can feel the pain. You know you’re living when the pain is kicking the real shit out of you. You know you’re living when the pangs is creeping up on you. But after all, everything will fade away sooner than you know so it is totally okay to embrace the pain you are enduring right now. You’re in pain because you are hurt. You are hurt because you know you have loved and it is really painful to be hurt by someone you have loved. You are hurt because you cared and you thought they cared too but they really don’t.
Maybe, your reason might be shallow for some but who cares, right? You’re already hurt anyway. All you have to do is to release the pain so you can move on and continue living. But sometimes, you’re too coward to express the pain in you because you know that you are NOT in the right place to be hurt. The most painful part of it is that you know you don’t have the right to feel that way because you’re not part of them and you know that they can go on with or without you. You would end up thinking that your pain is just a worthless drama just like the way Kim Kardashan cried over her lost diamond earing. It’s sad I know. But think differently and don’t be afraid to express the pain if it’ll make you feel better. Let it out but in control. Don’t let that pain supercede the love you have for them and use to understand the situation.
As the golden rules says, “Do unto others what you want others do unto you.”